I woke up with a desire to associate today again.
It’s funny how that’s been reoccurring lately, especially shortly after I let the last of my friends go.
Have you ever been in situations where you start to doubt existing in reality? Everything seems to work fine, but there’s something deeply wrong or missing. You can feel it. It’s all you feel these days.
How do you explain hurting so much that it physically hurts? You can feel your heart fighting to burst out into the surface. You can feel yourself drowning even as you come up momentarily for air.
I thought about calling Mark. It’s been two weeks since we fell out, I’d ask what he thinks about our situation; should we really end the friendship? It seems to be all I do these days, ending things.
Thinking has become exhausting, so I’ve been going through the motions like a robot. “Fake it till you make it,” right? They once taught that in church.
You see, my pastor believes you must get up and show up every day; regardless of how you feel, you must do it, till you start to feel it. Only with good and productive activities, tho.
I’m starting to get tired of faking it. I’ve never been good at pretending, it must be taking its toll.
Why do things hurt so much? Or are humans just overly sensitive?
It must be true what they say about humans needing human connection. Maybe I’ll associate tomorrow.
It’s been a raging of confusing emotions. I wish I didn’t feel.
I cannot explain how I feel today. I hope you can.
